Somehow it’s not enough just to shave my head and be done with it. People are curious to know why and aren’t mollified until they find a satisfying answer. For what good reason would I choose to rid my head of enviable luminous locks?! In all honesty, I don’t think I have a reason good enough for those that need one. In fact, as I progress on my spiritual journey I realize that the best decisions I’ve made (and by ‘best’ I mean the ones that have lead to the greatest happiness) are those that took less of my thinking mind and more of an intuitive spark to make happen. That leaves me without the profound words that my thinking mind is so good at conjuring up for important moments. Instead I’m left with a feeling tone, a texture of sorts, a soul’s melody to a tune only I can channel. How do I explain that?
“It was time,” I say when pressed for an answer. Time because the idea has been sitting with me since I was a freshman in high school and came to school one crisp fall day to see Nicole, a beautiful senior, strutting through the quad, head freshly sheared. I was impressed. “You have some big cajones,” Elsa, another Kripalu volunteer told me the morning after I shaved my head. A spritely Spanish 60-something, Elsa ends our conversation with, “I wish I had the cajones like you.” This is a theme I can clearly remember from watching Nicole, seemingly immune to the harsh judgement of high school, and wishing I was brave enough to do something so radical. Over and over as my friends marvel at my now bald head, they murmur as if speaking from a deep longing, “I’ve always wanted to do that. But I never had the guts.” It amazes me now to think back to freshman year and remember that I too had once wished for the brazen audacity to say the hell with it. It amazes me because actually doing it feels nothing like the drastic step I had made it seem.
In fact, I find myself now almost surprised in the moments when those comments arise. The choice was not a major deliberation, nor about an angry rebellion; it was just time. The right time. And I believe the the inner calm that preceded the choice, the current sense of peace about my new identity, this is the texture that accompanies a choice made not by following external pressure but one that comes from a deeper intuitive knowing. As I spend more time with this texture, becoming more sensitive to where it’s rough and where it becomes smooth, to where it curves and where it lies flat, I believe I will become more effective at making decisions that are not about following the latest trends but about allowing what stirs within me to find its physical expression.