The emptiness…

There is nothing wrong with being empty. Being empty does not imply unworthiness, it does not indicate laziness, and it certainly will not be mistaken for indecisiveness.

Thursday I experienced a great unloading – the ceremonial burning of collages representing my future and precious gifts of my past relationships. After the last bit of forest green Banana Republic sweater turned from blue light to dark ash, I sighed, smiled, and felt…empty.

***

My mom loves to say that “nature abhors a vacuum.” Take wind for instance. When hot air rises, cool denser air rushes to fill the space left by the warmer air. (Thank you 6th grade!) In the case of an emotionally integrated, spiritually minded young woman working through what it means to discover one’s essential self, the idea of becoming empty takes on a new metaphoric and literal meaning. There is peace in the space that things once occupied. There are bare walls where pictures once crowded in bursts of color. And there is only soft, smooth breath where a heart’s desire once pulsed with frantic wanting.

Ok, ok, two truths and a lie. The last part? Yeeaaah…  My heart still dances with a desire I’m not sure how to categorize. And the frantic energy is constantly revved by the nearness of him. But the change I feel is real. The silence of my need has taken on an identify that is less willful and more present.

***

I’ve come to feel I don’t need to do anything about this THING that’s taking up space in my mind. This SITUATION does not require triage. I can sit. I can be empty. Knowing that if nature abhors a vacuum, something is most certainly on its way to me now. I do not need to go get it. It’s coming. And I can wait…

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