I had plans in my head. I had plans in my heart. I wrung my hands and tried to figure out what to do. I was reminded by friends to let go of the trying. I breathed deeply and decided to let go…began to float through my days enjoying what I could and reminding myself that no matter what I’d be ok. And then, it all came together. School is going to work out this summer, I’m going to get my degree, and then I’m coming back to Kripalu for a full-time staff position in September. I got what I said I wanted. But for a moment it didn’t seem like enough…
I was on facebook this morning and saw a long ago friend had posted photos of a trip to Las Vegas with her girlfriends. It looked like they had a lot of fun. And for a moment I had a twinge of jealousy. What am I doing? Why don’t I have a fancy job and fancy vacation plans? I suddenly felt like my life coming together in the way I had wanted was small and insignificant. I meditated on the feeling of lost-ness. I wasn’t on the path – her path…where was I?
And then… I remembered the going-away party my dear friend planned for me and the circle of deep friendships that will hold me as I make my next steps. I remembered my relationship to the Berkshires, the connection to Nature that nourishes my breath; the wide space between the mountains that nurtures my dreams as they manifest. I am where I am. And it is sooo good. My meditation this morning was those Facebook photos. Dizzy with desire for a life not my own, I came back. Returned to the place of home where I have everyone and everything I need. Home where I get to dream of my own path towards joy.
I’ve got other ideas swimming about the winter and the spring and next summer…seasons full of visits and vacations and lovely times with important (to me) people. Life is good.