Right now. At the cliff edge.

These days I’m over thinking (as usual) as I flip flop between emotions and ideas, energy and fatigue, delight and despair.

I’m constantly in wonderment mode. What is True? What is Real? What do I Need? What Needs me?…

Ever felt that way? The funniest part – the part that tickles me and sickens me is that whenever I discuss my mind maze with a trusted friend, and I ramble about my current state of affairs and life desires finally concluding with a breathless, “I just don’t know…,” there is an immediate rush to the brain – a clear response – the words, “Yes you do.”

EVERY. TIME.

But I still question the inner confirmation. I mean, (and here comes a flaring of the flip flop habit) have I so internalized a societal structure of thought that really whats happening is a whopping self-sabotaging hijack of my reasoning ability to the point that I am not thinking clearly about any of this?

I’ve confused myself to the point that I just have to wallow…and yet the rebuttal comes (always it comes) to say that what I heard wasn’t a thought. It was an interpreted feeling. I felt the knowing, I didn’t think it. And the voice, the words, tell me I can always trust a feeling. Always.

But can I? Really? Really and truly? Every time?

Then again I start to wonder…When did the need for certainly become critical for the ability to trust myself? Life is uncertain! That’s why Kushner’s, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, was such a hit, right?

Oy.

So, this is where I am. At the place where risk is the only right next step. Where I can hem and haw and walk the jagged cliff edge bemoaning the steep drop, the shaky earth. Truly a fruitless exercise unless you count the gaping  hole of anxiety developing deep within. The other option is to look up with joy at the breathtaking view and try to fly.

And so, I try. I am trying. Here I go. Again. Anyone got a spare parachute?

xoxo,

Natanya

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